Around The Clock With Red

A fine day. The sort that makes for a blend that sieves out the best in us, one I want to remember. Another component in formula for joy... cool air, mild winter skies, warming sunshine in the afternoon, no feelings of rush. When all seems to possible, let's leave it this way. Let's explore the new. Let's feel awake. This morning, a longer ride than it seemed - but, with two sweet-hearted boys and a lot of easy talk. Now I wait for a party tonight sitting with my contest chili in the crock pot stewing. Yep, contest chili, what better than a chili cook off in December?

Right now, there's totally strange & unusual international disco sounds a bit skewed with mixes of American big band on dublab.com. I've got a side 450ml of La Fin Du Monde next to me - almost a meal in itself, and 5 pine candles burning around the apartment... I have a huge weakness for pine candles. Sometimes I think I would spend my last dollar on a nice piny candle.

Tomorrow I'll prep and cook all day and we'll throw everything in a cooler and head out for a long trip road trip to Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Mountain bike, single speed, winter boots, bomber hats, and big sunglasses. All of it to see a big frigid lake, and lots of snow, lots of family. Can't wait to feel our frozen breath and warm pubs on Brady Street.

I am a time waster of a colossal degree.

I'm happy to report that as of yesterday my step dad, Larry, is showing signs of improvement. This last week has been scary, I hope we can all get back on our feet again. It's one of those lessons that teaches you to be grateful for good health. I haven't talked to my mom today but I hope he continues to do a little better every day. I was terribly depressed in my last post, part of me thinks I shouldn't post feelings like that, maybe a little too dark. Maybe I should try to remain happy-go-lucky on these online forums/blogs/etc. They've been a source of anxiety at times and I need to back off facebook right now, it really creeps me out sometimes. I think I tend to worry enough in general, without adding stress from silly social networks. Too much some days, just toooo much. I did want to get back to this blog though because A. I don't think anyone reads it anyway! plus it feels like a private corner of existence to which I can let my fingers go. B. My last post was so depressing I wanted to bring some good news on a new day. C. I've been wasting so much time today, it's a new personal record for me and definitely worth noting!

Yes, I can hardly believe it's 2pm and all I've done is email my professor about how I can't turn in a paper that's due tomorrow because his directions on the syllabus are completely different than current APA formatting. By the way, APA is psychotic and definitely a candidate of induced neurosis. It makes me crazy. So now I can't begin my next research paper until I finish this one and I can't finish this one until the prof tells me how to trick-up some half breed APA formatting.

Since I woke up today I've considered lifting weights, writing a new paper, doing all the productive things I should - but I then decided to update my iPod on my iPhone which consisted of me going through several thousands of tracks on my PC's music library for just the right blend. It took me 2+ hours to create a playlist. Meanwhile I'm not at the gym, I'm not doing my paper, I'm not doing anything. I didn't even want to get up to pee because I'm zoning out so hard on the playlist that my bladder suddenly ceased to exist. This isn't even procrastination, it's spacing out on an astral level. Hahaha, I will eventually get to work. Or will I???

...one thing is for sure. I t will only be when my music has finished uploading.

Another good guy...

Everything is dulled by sadness, everything is worry and fear. I can't escape during sleep because I dream about pain in different forms. My stepdad who has always been a father to me had a stroke Friday night. He couldn't get his words out. They didn't think it was a big deal, he went to bed, they waited too long, now it's too late. I am worried sick, I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop the tears at the thought of him and my mom. They're in so much trouble, emotionally, financially, physically, mentally.

My heart is breaking and I'm sick with worry. The thing Larry loves most is to talk to people, he's a terrific communicator. How could this simple joy have been robbed from him? This world feels so unstable right now. Everything is made of water, I keep dreaming of loss.

Matzo & Poached White Fish...

This rainy morning I put my books aside and decided the rest of the day can wait for a little while, so I prepared fresh food instead... my favorite procrastination technique. I had a craving for steamed matzo balls, which are kosher dumplings, and crispy cast iron turkey bacon on the side. What? I said turkey bacon. אױ װײ!Last night I wanted poached cod so I decided to steam the fish in white wine, pepper corns, crushed garlic, and bay leaves; with some whole carrot matchsticks to poach as well. The flavors were so delicate. I usually go for bold and super pronounced styles of cooking but I love the refinement and these, kind of like, whispers of flavor. Especially the poached cod, it offered a completely different feel. It was a ballet rather than a tango.

So what's with all this Kosher cooking you ask? Should I find a synagogue tomorrow and go to Shabbat? Although, I don't think there are any Jews in Wichita Falls. I'm secular anyway... not overtly or specifically religious...or maybe a little bit of everything, which feels peaceful to me.

Shalom

שָׁלוֹם

HeadWind

The cold dust from this windy city leaves heads heavy with coarse beards, faces red breathing whiskey frost, icy fingers, watering eyes from wind tears. Its bathtubs fill with sand.

My hair grows more quickly here, it wraps around my neck. I let it fall around my shoulders, old friends. The blueberry

stains under my fingernails came from picking them last night before bed. I wondered how many bites until I find the perfect one? What will blueberry dreams look like? This morning, I awoke giggling.

Mei, part I

The graybright sky smells emphatically of nothing. Cold humid prickles, the ghosts of raindrops, rise on the backs of my hands.

Today, I want to cleave myself in two, that I may be more exposed to the world. I want to tape my eyes open until they fill with tears and everything turns into a blur of colors. I want to be the off-key tuning fork for pianos in the trees.

Even when you see, you can't know if it's real.

Mei, part II

Sit under the blanket, doll. You won't be able to see the sun anyway. Your sweat smells like two-day-old flowers and your eyes are the color of raisons. Let's make dinner out of something in the neighbors trash can. Let's find the tallest hill in the city and pin a love note to the tallest tree at the top. Let's sit face to face and I'll inhale the breath out of your mouth. Let's fill a dish with old tomatoes and drop it out of the window. The cracks in the street are the shape of rain as it trickles down your slicker, but not the same, love, they're not the same.