Last night I rode my bike around for a couple hours, completely mindless, spaced out riding. Paying attention only enough to avoid a catastrophe. Seeing other riders pass in the opposite direction but paying no mind to them except that they had just gone along. I didn't want to talk to anyone, if someone I knew happened to sneak into periphery, I would have acted as though I didn't notice, even though I didn't notice. I don't know what sets me into these moods. I think I spend too much time alone and that leads me into wanting to be alone more and more. I think I'm unhappy and all I want to do is submerge myself in music and books that take me away from the reality that I am, at times, so unsatisfied with. I think that's why I want to write again, I want to escape. I want to create something that sounds better. Like the way books sound better, no matter what the circumstances... a good story always excludes the frustrating nuances of the everyday. It captures only what's noteworthy in some way, even if it's not part of the story, it just sounds better than to experience it. Maybe it includes the facts that, 'Sheryl had really bad breath' or, 'Mike has this annoying habit of snorting his nose all day' but these things are better on paper than experiencing them! They are only for a moment, read the sentence and it's over. Unlike some assholes in a movie theater who won't stop talking. Life is better on paper. Good art excludes so much of the uncontrollable ugly reality that spills out before our eyes. Or if it does bring it into question, it does so in meaningful, thought provoking ways. At the moment, I'm thinking less about the profound and more about all the shitty strip malls, chain stores, bad food, traffic, info commercials, crime, or just cultural rudeness and laziness in general. The types of things that sink in like pollution, or just pollution in general.

I think I'm just really, really bored. Totally under stimulated. I fear feeling plain, ordinary, bland, old, stale. I wait and wait and wait and wait for Ross to finish school missing out of years of my life that could have been filled with something more... not living in the burbs with my parents while he finishes year after year. Sure I've made the most of it, but I can't shake the feeling of what I'm missing out on. I'll be almost 32 by the time he's done. Aging scares me. I feel so anxious. I'm so tired of The South, just can't shake the feeling of disappointment.


I'll try to try be a little more positive for the remainder of the weekend. I'm going north, to almost Oklahoma and it will be a really nice change, long country roads and fresh air. I haven't been there in months, it's going to be great. I'm leaving tonight.