The most poignant moment in recent past was my cat and his dying in my arms. Heavy like a swollen funny shaped pear he lay next to me in a bed. Heart beat short, moaning, human like. I saw death and slept next to it like an old friend until its fuzzy and gray beaming life was gone. It hurt intensely. My little lovely. I am missing him a lot.

I also started school and I realize I have to pull the reigns in on my mind. I have fears of 'can't'... and 'what if I just couldn't?' It's hard to learn how to study again, after my funny self has been running ramped over the last 2 years. I haven't been a complete waste-monger, I've read a good bit and have been writing and working hard, and have been keeping social and I try my best to be well versed and witty and savvy and organized, and yet unrefined, but, the thought of school overwhelms and I'm alone amongst all of these online classes to face my own successes and shortcomings, left to study alone, make my own deadlines, assign my time. I have no one to study with or call when something is confusing. Internet classes are a lot to keep spinning together and separate. I hope to do them well, I have to - I quit my job for them! I did it, I quit! No more shrilling call pager in the middle of the night! No more work depression. I registered to race for 3 days in Austin this weekend and am making plans to race in Las Vegas in 3 weeks. In 2 weeks I'll be in Dallas racing around the American Airlines center with a crowd of friends and a field of comrades. 4 weeks ago I was in Illinois racing the national championships, 6 weeks ago I was with Colavita at Superweek. Wow. This season will be missed greatly. Seems far away but, when it's finally come to an end, I won't know what to do with myself. I can't imagine that next year could be any better but I hope to be surprised. I love surprises.

It's late, I'm so tired. I need to sleep, but no work tomorrow. I can't get over that. It's scary and wonderful at the same time... I love a paradox. I love to be frightened and thrilled. They say it's the worst time to quit a job and here am I, voluntarily unemployed in a recession - and I wanted it that way?!

Forget the recession, before I go I have to share the really great news: I made my first apple gastric tonight! A glazed base kicked off with a chicken stock, ginger, mustard, black sesame seeds, hoisin, chili peppers, tamari, and 1 chopped apple. I then seared the onions & garlic in sherry vinegar, added the sauce and reduced. Served over pork with wild rice and hard lettuce for wrapping. I ate it with pale ale served in a mason jar. From here forward, I'll always want a pale ale in a mason jar.

Yours in spades.

'Motorman' excerpt meets bedtime story...

She would say, "Play the Buxtehude, Moldenke. I enjoy the chills it gives me." She would close the door behind herself and leave him alone in the piano room with its pots of ivy and ant-traps.

He would begin the Buxtehude on the cold keyboard. In the bedroom she would listen through a wall.

He would play the Buxtehude until ants crawled along his fingers and assembled on his sleeves.

He would then walk into the kitchen, carrying his hands like packages, and scrape the ants into a teaboil. Roberta would emerge from the bedroom, stand in the doorway in her flannel. Moldenke would turn from the teaboil and smile, his old silver tooth throwing out a beam of light.

Roberta would say, "Tea?"

Moldenke would add mock sugar. "Yes, would you like a cup?"

She would always have a cup. She would say, "As always."

Moldenke would have his with potato milk, she without.

David Ohle 1971